he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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