My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
