My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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