Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
