Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
