More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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