I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
