I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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