1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
