I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
why do cheetos always look like penises
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
