He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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