I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
