If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
