good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
