I cockslap morals
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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