Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
