All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
