Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
