Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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