It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
