Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
