Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize