Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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