Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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