I'm going to jail i love you
from now on my penis is your penis
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
