I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
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the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
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We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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