i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
