She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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