hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
