Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
