making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
