It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
