Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
