Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
