My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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