the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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