Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
