i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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