Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
