today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
