I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
