Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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