Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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