I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
