Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
