my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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