Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
