she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
