Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
