Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just want to make out with him forever
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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