ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
