It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
