Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
