my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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