dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
