Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
