I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
